Big Fat Failure – Big Fat Teacher
You can’t enjoy success without failure. I enjoyed both extreme success followed but a gut punch of failure in the past 24 hours. Failure is such a great teacher . . . if you are willing to be a student. It is all about becoming conscious.
My short rise and fall: Executed the Dispenza plan perfectly. With great intention and detail, I wrote out my plans as per the action steps I gave you. I decided to focus on alcohol reduction, exercise consistency and carb reduction. Three things I am already pretty good at but I wanted to elevate my game to a new level. As I began I was engaging the daily meditation and it felt awesome to be consistent where in the past it might be hit or miss. My BELIEF was growing in leaps and bounds and my EXCUSES were fading. It felt amazing. I thought, “this is so easy”. Loving it.
After 1 week of exercising daily, zero alcohol, and avoiding all dangerous carbs I could see the improvement in both mind and body. It felt so great that I knew I had earned a little reward. Can you smell it coming? On Tuesday I had a scheduled workout but after 7 days of exercising daily I started to take inventory – how did the body feel? Well, the knees are little achy. Not bad but just a touch. It’s not even noon yet and I see my gears turning. “Maybe I need a day off to recover”. UH OH!. No. Go back to your meditation. Remind yourself of the new personality. The new agenda. OK, back on track, I said I would go to the 5:30 workout and I am going. Two hours later . . . I’m feeling sluggish this afternoon. A glass of bourbon tonight sounds good. Relax . . . “You’ve EARNED IT.” No, go back to your meditation. This is just the ego fighting for air, fighting for its life. The ego doesn't want to be ignored and is determined to beat you back down into submission. Be the old you, it’s fine, you’re doing “good enough”.
Anything truly outstanding or excellent was never built on a pile of “good enough”. My best life will not be experienced, it will escape me entirely if I reside in “good enough”. But here it comes. By 5pm as I left work the evening was cool and the skies clear. A perfect fall day. I decided (poorly) that my achy knees needed a break and that I had deserved a bourbon. And so I did. Nothing major. I enjoyed 2 shots of bourbon on the back patio with my wife and dogs. Lovely. If the train had stopped there it would be just fine. But the train kept rolling. Due to the bourbon my sleep was disturbed a bit and I found myself awake at 4am unable to return to sleep.
I guess the day starts now at 4am. I head into the office. Coffee and work have begun but due to poor sleep and less than ideal dinner last night I am feeling hungry and tired and my resistance is low. On the table in our break room is a box of fancy cookies sent to us yesterday as a gift. Nice thought but wrong idea. I had avoided those damn cookies all day yesterday as it didn't fit my new personality. But this morning . . . tired and hungry I caved. I had not one but TWO of those damn cookies. Felt great on my tongue for about 3 minutes but by minute 10 I was already deep into regret. Bloating soon began and this was a great reminder to me why I don’t eat wheat cookies. The sugar, the wheat, the senseless crap. Why did all of this occur? All because I had become UNconscious. I left my mindful awareness of who I am and what is important to me and slumped into the physical comfort of old patterns. My old ego had emerged and was fighting my new direction. It refused to be ignored and in a moment of weakness I fed that old ego exactly what it wanted. Now the ego is satisfied, and I feel like crap.
Excellent. Pain is an excellent teacher. I reengaged my meditation. Life can be missed when you walk through it like an UNconscious zombie. That's not good enough for me. I want to see the view from the top of the mountain. I need to feel unstoppable. I desire a conscious life that is full of vibrant color and sensations. This can’t happen with a body that is bloated, tired and loaded with liquor.
You will miss 100% of the shots you never take. Take the damn shot and if you miss then get the rebound and try again. I FAILED. Or did I. Life is not perfect and we are not perfect. It’s not missing the shot that matters. But if I miss the shot in a conscious state then I will be awake and alert to see the effect and make the correction. Go back to the meditation, the written expectation you hold and the commitment to explore this as your new personality. I used the disappointment of Wednesday to fuel the rest of that day. I went on a long bike ride even though I was tired. I ate well the rest of the day and took in ZERO carbs other than vegetables. And I started a fast that will last 36 hours until I break it Friday morning. Why do all that? It sounds hard. No it doesn't. I sounds amazing. It sounds perfect. It sounds conscious and aware. Its’s not a punishment, it’s a declaration. It is what I see my best self doing and if I can see it then I can engage it. And if I engage this then I am making a declaration to myself and to my ego that this is who I am. I am not sharing this with you so you can admire my rebound. I failed. I am sharing this because we all fail, I failed, and I will fail again. But it is how we use that failure to drive a CONSCIOUS life that is full of awareness of each and every moment that counts. Each action. Each breath. If we resist the ego’s attempt to pull us back into blind zombie like habits then we will experience a life that is unimaginably excellent.
